Cashing in on British sexual deviance

UK firms are cashing in on British sexual deviance. Meanwhile, emergency services are on standby for a spate of “bedroom antics-gone-wrong.”

It was revealed Tuesday that hardware store B&Q was preparing its staff and stocks for a spike in cable tie, rope and duct tape sales, as featured in Fifty Shades, a pornographic film to be released on mainstreet.

Another company is actually tapping into the nation’s unhealthy fever, meanwhile.

The “intense female Viagra ice cream,” or “Vice cream,” as the company dubs it, contains a pleasure enhancer Lady Prelox. The company says they hope to see women “screaming for Vice Cream on Valentine’s Day.”

The London Fire Brigade say they are “concerned” the release of Fifty Shades of Grey in cinemas will lead to a “spike” in cases of people stuck in handcuffs and rings.

They attended nearly 400 such incidents since April last year, including 28 involving entrapment in handcuffs and the removal of nearly 300 rings, some from male genitalia. They have also been called out to aid men whose penises have been trapped in toasters, vacuums and other household equipment.

“The Fifty Shades effect seems to spike handcuff incidents so we hope filmgoers will use common sense and avoid leaving themselves red-faced,” he said.

The land of the brave however, should be renamed as the land of the proprietous. Scotland, was revealed to prefer “spooning” to actual sex in a recent poll.

The South East of England ranked themselves 9 out of 10 on a scale of how “kinky” they are.